WiP [Work in Progress]

Thoughts and ramblings of a Filipino author

Astig-astigan lang pala

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I know there is strength to my character somewhere there, somehow. But I’m also a snivelling glob of emotionally insecure humanity according to this blog I found. Hey, I’m high emotional maintenance, what can I say? I’m emotionally weak because emotionally strong people…:

* photo from godrunning.com via Google Images

1. They don’t beg for attention.
I want attention, but I don’t naman beg. Or maybe I do but I don’t speak out.

2. They don’t allow others to bring them down.
I get sad and affected with others’ comments about me (especially when they’re negative and unfounded). Pero I won’t commit suicide because of it.

3. They don’t hold grudges.
I do. I don’t make a big deal about it by confronting people outright pero trust me. Parang peklat mula sa sugat ‘yan. Nawawala ‘yung sakit pero naiiwan ‘yung marka. Nabibilang ko ‘yun. And the closer you are to me as a friend, the deeper that scratch mark is.

4. They never stop doing their own thing.
Yup, this one I can own up to. Sabi ko nga, I super hate being told what to do. I have to discover on my own what I want and what I’m comfortable with. ‘Wag niyo akong kulitin about what you think is better.

5. They never stop believing in themselves.
To an extent, yes. Alam ko naman na may abilidad ako at alam ko kung hanggang saan ang makakaya ko. Pero minsan, kapag wala namang affirmation coming from anywhere, nakakawala din ng gana.

6. They don’t act like bitches or assholes.
Oh, but I do! Especially when the other person deserves it.

7. They know better than to let just anyone in their lives.
Hmm… I choose, yes, but really I’m such an open book, once a person overcomes my usual initial kasungitan. Siguro that’s why I get hurt easily. Iniisip ko na everyone is just as truthful and selfless about sharing themselves as I am.

8. They aren’t afraid to love.
Oo nga, kaya nga mabilis ako masaktan, eh. Mapa-friend, mapa-romantic relationship, I don’t hold back.

9. They don’t lie in bed dreading the day ahead.
Uhm, depende kapag may deadline ako na hindi ko ma-meet at naba-bother ako nang bongga how the hell I am ever going to explain to my boss that I can’t deliver.

10. Theyre not afraid of slowing down.
Pucha, naka-park na nga yata ako eh…

11. They don’t do things they don’t want to do.
I do them pero masamang masama sa loob ko. See below.

12. They have no problem saying ‘no.’
Oh, but I do. Mabilis ako i-bully lalo na ng mga taong malalapit at mahalaga sa akin. Doormat nga ako.

13. They don’t ‘forget’ to give back.
Oo naman. Tumatanaw ako ng utang na loob. Ibinabalik ko ang pabor na ibinigay sa akin, higit pa sa natanggap ko. Lalo na kapag masama ang ginawa sa akin. >:)

14. They don’t feel the need to fit in.
Yes and no. I want to feel accepted but I’m not sure if that means wanting to fit in. But I can survive being quiet in a corner kahit may nagaganap na party at walang pumapansin sa akin.

15. They don’t forget that happiness is a decision.
Oo naman. Pero minsan kapag nasosobrahan ng lungkot, kailangan ipaalala sa sarili na hindi worth it ang pagiging malungkot.

If I’m this way, then I should think it wouldn’t be easy being my friend. So thank you to those who have stuck with me, loved me, mollycoddled me all throughout this erratic and needy behavior and still plan on being friends with me for a longer time still. I love you all!

Paying it forward

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I mentioned, in a previous post, that I participated as a speaker for a career talk organized by our St. Paul (then) College QC batch last November. My batchmates also asked me to write an article on the experience, from our, the alumni’s, POV. Sharing the article here:

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Proudly Paulinian: HS Batch ’89 Pays It Forward

By: Georgette Gonzales

Last 29 November, Batch ‘89 organized a half-day forum with the current junior student body as an audience. Titled Proudly Paulinian, the activity brought together some eight graduates representing eight different professions as career choices. These fields include journalism (Maan D’Asis-Pamaran), medicine (Dr. Teena Talavera-Tiongson), law (Atty. Joanna Divinagracia-Ledesma), education (Ray-An Pronstroller-Manalo), hotel and restaurant management (Natalie Lim), business and fitness (Michelle Candelaria-Lee), politics (Mary Grace Bustonera-Santos) and communications (this writer). Atty. Patty Sison-Arroyo headed the activity with Christine Panopio assisting during the presentation.

Each speaker’s fifteen minutes on the microphone brought out several useful pointers but the most poignant include the following:

  • High school life is hard. College life is harder. The real world harder still. Stop whining and complaining and learn instead to cope so you have a firm foundation of values and principles that will help you make sound choices in the future.
  • Never lose any opportunity to learn something new. Always be on the lookout for learning opportunities. Never settle for puwede na.
  • Ideally, what you take up in college is the profession you should end up in. However, it is very much possible to be in a different profession than what you studied for. Bottomline? You need to graduate. You need a college diploma, or at least a certificate. That’s key to jumpstarting your career. But wherever destiny wishes to take you, do whatever you like and be the best at what you do.
  • There is no such thing as being boxed in. Your being an average to below average student, unpopular, popular, at the top of your class, or whatever you are experiencing will not go on until you grow old. Although we each had our own ambitions in our youth, not many of us could actually see clearly what we would become or where exactly we would be.
  • We’ve all lived Christ-centered lives as taught to us by our teachers, most especially the nuns that ran the school. We say our prayers, attend mass, work with the church. We know our religious obligations by heart and try as much as possible to do right by them. We strive to live a life that would never put us in a bad light. We strive to do things that will never intentionally harm, physically, emotionally, mentally, any person. We respect everyone (hopefully, we have not lapsed) – an elder, a peer, a subordinate – so we can command respect ourselves.
  • St. Paul’s Catholic education has taught us more than academics. We also learned core values that built our characters as responsible adults, responsible career women, responsible family women. We may not have been exceptional students. But through our Paulinian education, we must have made exceptional choices as we grew older which made us who we are now.

Hark, daughters of the great, St. Paul, we, Silver Jubilarians all, look how far we’ve come. We hope we have made our alma mater proud.

Mabuhay, Batch ’89! Happy 25th Anniversary!

Usapang Puday…

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I was asked recently to help translate a short monologue from The Vagina Monologues which will be performed by a friend’s friend.

I’d like to share what I wrote (in Itals), for you all…

* Pic from wgs.eku.edu via Google Images

MY VAGINA WAS MY VILLAGE

PUWERTA KO, NAYON KO

My vagina was green, water soft pink fields, cow mooing sun resting sweet boyfriend touching
lightly with soft piece of blonde straw.

Luntian ang aking puwerta, malasutlang daloy ng tubig sa parang, kulay rosas, bakang umuunga nahihimlay na araw, katipang matamis, banayad na humahaplos gamit ang malambot na ginintuang dayami,

There is something between my legs. I do not know what it is. I do not know where it is. I do not
touch. Not now. Not anymore. Not since.

May kung ano sa pagitan ng aking hita. Hindi ko alam ano iyon. Hindi ko alam nasaan. Hindi ko hinahawakan. Hindi ngayon. Hindi na. Hindi mula noon.

My vagina was chatty, can’t wait, so much, so much saying words talking, can’t quit trying, can’t
quit saying, oh yes, oh yes.

Masalita ang aking puwerta, hindi makapaghintay, maraming binibigkas kwentong puro kataga, hindi mapigilang subukan, hindi mapigilang sabihin
Oo, oo

Not since I dream there’s a dead animal sewn in down there with thick black fishing line. And
the bad dead animal smell cannot be removed. And its throat is slit and it bleeds through all my
summer dresses.

Hindi mula nang mapanaginipang may patay na hayop roon, nakatahi ng makapal na itim na pamansing. Hindi maalis ang masangsang na samyo ng patay na hayop. Gilit ang leeg nito, tumatagos na daloy sa aking damit.

My vagina singing all girl songs, all goat bell ringing songs, all wild autumn field songs, vagina
songs, vagina home songs.

Umaawit ang aking puwerta ng awiting pambabae, lahat awiting katunog ng kampanilyang suot ng kambing, lahat mga awiting naririnig sa parang sa panahon ng taglagas, mga awitin ng pwertang tahanan

Not since the soldiers put a long thick rifle inside me. So cold, the steel rod canceling my heart.
Don’t know whether they’re going to fire it or shove it through my spinning brain. Six of them,
monstrous doctors with black masks shoving bottles up me too. There were sticks and the end
of a broom.

Hindi mula noong ipasok ng mga sundalo ang mahaba at makakapal na boga sa kaibuturan ko. Napakalamig, inaalis ng bakal na gabilya ang aking puso. Hindi ko alam kung pasasabugin nila o isasalya iyon sa naliliyo kong utak. Anim sa mga ito, mga mala-halimaw na manggagamot nakasuot ng itim na maskara na panay rin ang pagsaksak ng botelya sa akin. May mga ginamit din na tungkod at dulo ng walis.

My vagina swimming river water, clean spilling water over sun-baked stones over stone clit, clit
stones over and over.

Ang aking pwerta lumalangoy na tubig-ilog, malinis na tubig, dumadaloy sa mga batong bilad sa init ng araw nakapatong sa mga bato, ang bato ng aking pagkababae, paulit-ulit.

Not since I heard the skin tear and made lemon screeching sounds, not since a piece of my
vagina came off in my hand, a part of the lip, now one side of the lip is completely gone.

Hindi mula nang marinig ko ang pagkapunit ng aking balat at lumikha ng matining na pagtili, hindi mula nang may piraso ng aking pwerta ang nalaglag sa aking mga kamay, isang bahagi ng labi, ngayon wala na ang isang buong bahagi na labi.

My vagina. A live wet water village. My vagina my hometown.

Ang aking pwerta. Buhay na basang nayon ng tubig. Ang aking pwerta. Ang aking kanlungan.

Not since they took turns for seven days smelling like feces and smoked meat, they left their
dirty sperm inside me. I became a river of poison and pus and all the crops died up, and the fish.

Hindi mula nang pagsalit-salitan nila ako ng pitong araw, umaalingasaw ang amoy ng dumi at inihaw na laman, iniwan nila ang marumi nilang punla sa kaloob-looban ko. Ako ay naging ilog ng lason at sakit at nangamatay ang mga pananim at mga isda.

My vagina a live wet water village.
They invaded it. Butchered it and burned it down.
I do not touch now.
Do not visit.
I live someplace else now.
I don’t know where that is.

Ang aking pwerta, buhay na basang nayon ng tubig. Sinalakay nila ito. Dinaluhong at tinupok ng apoy.
Hindi ko na ginagalaw.
Hindi dinadalaw.
Sa iba na ako tumatahan.
Hindi ko alam kung saan.

Stop violence against women and children. NOW.

Insights mula sa trolls at orcs

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Importante ang mag-aral, alam niyo. Hindi sapat ang pumasok lang sa school. Hindi din dahil may diploma ka, ibig sabihin may pinag-aralan ka. Pwede namang nagkataon lang na pumapasa ka sa mga subjects mo.

Bakit importante mag-aral? Una, para matuto ka magbasa. Pangalawa, para maintindihan mo ang binabasa mo. Pangatlo, para kapag may gusto ka sabihin, mapa-Filipino o Ingles pa yan, maiintindihan ka nang malinaw. Naku naman, ang hirap kasi intindihin ang uri ng Ingles na pinagtagpi-tagpi lang ang basic vocabulary na nalalaman mo nang walang tamang subject-verb agreement, wala din tamang articles, prepositions at kung ano pa.

Mag-aral kayo. Kahit wala kayo sa school dapat nag-aaral kayo.

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