WARNING: Contents of this blogpost reveals much of my [snobbish and abrasive] personality. If you think that at the end of this post, you’d still want to be my friend/acquaintance, read on. If you’d like me to remain how you conjured me in your mind, skip reading. But do expect the worst of me, too.

See you in another blogpost. One that’s more friendly to your sensitive heart. 

I know, I know. Sometimes, people just want to make conversation. But hey, this is me. I have my own criteria for what I call junk talk (which I enjoy to some extent), intelligent conversation and discourse (which I enjoy immensely), and ahm… the series of questions which makes me think… did the person who asked this actually think of what he’s asking?

Following are one or a combination of two of the three kinds or all of them… you be the judge which questions fall into which category.

* Saan po ako pwede bumili nito (referring to published books)? Available na po ba ito sa bookstore?

Hmm… saan ka pwede bumili. Well, libro ito so I guess sa bookstore. Although sometimes, sa 7-11 nakakakita ako ng pocketbooks. Tsaka sa ilang neighborhood sari-sari stores. Kung saang branch ang store, eh, pwede mo naman na sigurong diskubrehin on your own lalo na hindi ako residente diyan sa lugar mo. Or kung pamilyar ka sa online shopping, search mo. Baka mayroon.

Kung available? At this hour, you mean? Di ko alam. Una, we’re in different parts of the globe. ‘Yung mga mayroon diyan, pwedeng wala dito and vice versa. Second, I’m not in sales. I’m not a delivery person. I’m a writer. What I do for this publisher is to write stories that they will publish.

Minsan may mga nagtatanong ng availability na may karugtong pa na ‘kasi po nakakapagod/hassle pumunta sa bookstore tapos wala naman mabibili.’ Oh, wow. Ganoon ba? Pasensiya na, ha. Pero hindi naman yata ako utusan para diskubrehin para sa iyo kung may [book title] na sa [name of bookstore] sa [lugar mo]. Kasi nga, writer po ako. Hindi po ako sales rep o delivery girl ng publication, hindi din ako sales lady ng bookstore. Minsan nababanggit ng editor sa aming mga writer na up for release ang nobela namin pero hindi na namin binabantayan kung na-deliver na sa lugar niyo. Besides, akala ko ba gusto niyo ng copy? Bakit hassle hanapin?

Matagal ko na ito isina-suggest sa mga lumang post. Mas mabuti kung ang tanungan niyo ng impormasyon na iyan ay ‘yung bookstore. How? Sus, next time na pumunta kayo doon, hingan niyo ng phone number ang tindahan o i-search niyo ang website nila. Pwede niyo din chikahin ang mga sales lady sa tindahan at makipagpalitan sa kanila ng cell numbers. ‘Di ba mas madali ‘yun?

* Hindi ko po alam mag-online shopping eh. Bobo/tanga lang.

Hindi mo alam? Pero may FB ka? Anakngpatengnanalunod… I’m sure hindi ka bobo or tanga. TAMAD is more like it…

Wala kang credit card? Ay, eh, may mga online sellers naman na nag-a-accept ng ibang payment arrangements. Bank deposit, G-Cash, SmartMoney, LBC, Cebuana… What? ‘Di mo na naman alam? Aysos, it’s a wonder you even know how to live…

* I miss you po.

Ehm… [kamot-ulo] uhh, thanks? Err, yeah, [nods] thank you very much. Sincerely. And thank you for always looking out for my books. From the bottom of my heart, I am grateful. Walang halong sarcasm.

I am happy you are in my life, really. I am happy that you give me so much importance as an acquaintance, even as a friend. But hey, reality check. Parang twitter lang, hindi po ako nag-o-auto follow. Please don’t expect me to miss you back kasi I can’t miss anyone with whom I’ve hardly had any meaningful moments. And by meaningful moments, I mean deep conversations and shared experiences. Hindi meaningful moment for me ‘yung once in a blue moon na pagsulpot mo para magpost mo sa wall ko to congratulate me sa new release, or para tanungin ako ng next release ko, or ng next release ng ibang author; or pagte-text mo para magtanong kung kumusta ako which meant ano’ng isinusulat ko o kung tapos ko na ‘yung huli mong nabalitaan na sinusulat ko.

I give high value to the words ‘missing’ and ‘love’ and ‘friend.’ Hindi naman sa gusto ko magdamot. Kaya lang, please understand, these are feelings and relationships that one nurtures. Hindi po ‘yan kabute na susulpot lang.

Pero again, I do appreciate that you miss me. Promise.

* [blah blah blah… some gibberish text using a mixture of upper and lower cases, shortening words, omitting vowels, replacing some with numbers, and adding letters where there shouldn’t be any – poe (do you mean the famous actor or writer’s last name?), pouwhz, peo (bulol ang drama naten?), koe, keo (wtf?)… na kahit i-translate sa normal na lenguahe ‘yung message nila, wala pa din palang sense dahil baluktot ang sentence construction]

Susme naman… Elementary ka pa lang tinuturuan ka na ng Filipino at English hindi ba? Nanonood ka din ng TV. Nagbabasa ka ng libro. Bakit kung ‘magsalita’ ka para kang 3-year old kid na wala pa natututunan na words? It’s neither cute, nor adorable. Plus, in case you don’t know, ‘conversing’ with people in jejemon or text speak when in fact they do no such thing on their respective pages nor with their responses, is IMPROPER and RUDE. Parang pakikipag-uusap iyan gamit ang isang dialect na hindi naiintindihan ng kausap o ng listener na supposedly ay kasali sa usapan.

Don’t tell me hindi ka marunong mag-Tagalog o English. O gusto mong makaligtas sa maling spelling o grammar. Heller? Maling spelling na nga yan ginagawa mo, eh. Ililigtas mo pa ang sarili mo na magkamali ng tamang spelling? Syet, nahilo ako…

And what’s this? Mahirap gamitin ang qwerty na keypad? Lalo na ‘yung touch screen? Ay, hala, bumalik ka na lang sa Nokia 1100. Mas madaling gamitin ang keypad niyon.

* For a first-timer, nakakahiya po kasi na-reject ‘yung manuscript ko.

Huh? Bakit? Special ka? Bawal sa iyo magkamali? Aysos, kung ngayon pa lang nahihiya ka na, aba’y brace yourself. There could be more. Kalabas-labas niyan, forever ka na lang nakatalukbong sa sobrang kahihiyan. Again, kung ganito ang mindset mo, pag-isipan mo muna ulit kung kaya mong harapin ang buhay na ito ng isang nobelista.

Para lang alam mo, maraming sikat na ngayon na dumaan sa mas matindi pa sa pinagdaraanan mo. Maraming mas higit ang talento sa iyo na nakaranas ng mas matindi pang rejection at mas matindi pang fears kaysa iyo. You know what the difference is? They pushed themselves real hard and took their rejection as leverage to learn. Iyon naman ang punto ng rejection eh. It’s not to say wala ka karapatan. It’s to tell you may mali sa attack mo at kailangan mo mag-improve.

In my opinion, mas nakakahiya ang mga sumusunod:
1) bago ka pa man makatapos ng kwento, iniisip mo na kung magkano ang bayad at kung ‘worth it’ ba ang susuwelduhin mo gayong wala ka pa namang napapatunayan
2) bago pa man makapagsimula ng kwento, naka-project ka nang never ka mare-reject
3) ‘yung hindi mo masimulan ang gusto mo simulan kahit project ka ng project na gustong gusto mo ito
4) nakakahiya na ikinakahiya mo na may kahinaan ka pala
5) nakakahiya na ikinahihiya mo ang industriyang gusto mo pasukin

* sana maging writer ako

And then? Aba’y gow! Wala naman yatang pumipigil sa iyo. Sulat na. Hindi ka magiging writer kade-declare na gusto mo maging writer. Ano kaming nakakabasa ng post mo? Fairy godmother na iwe-wave lang ang magic wand, presto! Writer ka na? Tinatrabaho ‘yan, ya know?

* gusto ko maging writer pero natatakot po ako

Whut? May nananakot sa iyo? Ah, hindi iyon? So paano gagawin natin? Ahh… humihingi ka ng encouragement. You know, I can encourage you all you want pero hanggang saan? That fear is something you conquer by yourself. No one can do it for you. And honestly, hindi ka nakakaawa when everytime you post, or everytime you comment to a post, uulit-ulitin mo na nagpapalakas ka ng loob. Nagiging irritating ‘yun. And eventually, naiisip ko lang na nagpapapansin ka lang naman yata. And yes, you have my permission to call me a bitch and tell your friends about it and campaign against me.

* eh, iba po kasi kayo. confident kayo, eh.

Ay, eh, talaga naman! At kita mo naman kung saan na ako nakarating ngayon. Pero isipin mo, saan ba ako nagsimula? Sa wala din, ‘di ba? Naging beginner din ako, nauna lang ako sa iyo. At hindi mo na ako ever aabutan dahil wala kang ginawa kundi ikumpara ang confidence level ko sa confidence level mo. That won’t do you any good, I’m telling you.

* Ate [my real name], blahblahblah… po?

Do you know my real name because you do know that’s my real name and you know me as the person who is the embodiment of my real name? No? So alam mo ang real name ko dahil nabasa mo lang sa FB at nakikita mo ang ibang tao na iyon ang tawag sa akin.

Alam mo, there’s a reason why some authors choose to have pen names. It’s to separate their writer persona from their personal lives. Sana matuto tayong respetuhin iyon. These people whom you see addressing me by my real name have my permission to call me such. You don’t. At least, not yet. Especially since you haven’t even introduced yourself to me, nor had a conversation with me before. Really, you should learn to observe proper protocol. Never assume you’re on first name basis with anyone who is not your peer. Hintayin mong ibigay sa iyo ang pribilehiyo na tawagin ang isang tao sa pangalang gusto niyang itawag mo sa kaniya.

So… there. Nagpapakatotoo lang po. If it’s too much, then I guess we part ways here. I’m too transparent to be chummy with anyone whom I feel doesn’t deserve my good side. I hope, though, that this opens your eyes and your understanding as to how and why I’m this way. But don’t worry. I won’t take it against you if you think I’m bitchy. It’s actually a compliment.

*pics from Google Images